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Here’s the truth: Nobody knows what the hell is happening after Week 1. There are certain storylines you can set your watch to (Brady doesn’t age, TJ Watt moves grown men around like toddlers, Will Fuller’s hamstring already hurts), but what we really want to talk about, listen to, and read about are the more interesting and surprising storylines. There will be thoughts and opinions thrown around this week, but be skeptical of anyone who uses the first slate of games to tell you that they know what’s actually going on – because they don’t.
That being said, fuck it. Like pre-Lasik Jameis, let’s take some early-season deep shots in hopes of landing a take or two. Is it a fantastic idea to completely discredit myself in paragraph one? Likely not, but you can bet your ass that the takes I get correct in the long run will be used as evidence of my superior sports knowledge later on.
1 – Green Bay should bully Aaron Rodgers
Why, why, why did Green Bay decide to let Rodgers off the hook before Week 1?! He ignores the team who pays his salary and turns his back on the fans (think of the kids!), but they welcome him back with open arms? It’s disgusting, sickening, bullshit behavior if you ask me.
Just kidding. For the record, I’m 100% on Rodgers’ side with all that went on in the offseason. Yes, he should be included in personnel decisions. Yes, they should have gotten him more help on offense. And yes, it’s understandable that you should treat the MVP quarterback differently than you treat the second-string practice-squad linebacker (unless that player is Will Compton - shoutout the boy). But that being said, Green Bay needs to realize that Rodgers plays his best ball when he’s pissed off.
Just look at last year - the Packers decided to invest in Jordan Fucking Love (don’t fact-check me on his middle name, please - I’m using it to make a point), instead of getting Rodgers some help on offense. The result? The guy lit the world on fire. In contrast, this year, after a months-long dick-measuring contest between A-Rod and the front office, LaFleur flew to Hawaii to personally blow his quarterback, the fans welcomed him back with open arms, and he got all kinds of fantasy love. The result? He ended up laying a fat egg in Week 1.
You see the difference? Here’s the reality - Green Bay needs to bully Aaron Rodgers until he’s angry at the world. Sure, eventually that’ll run him out of town, but he’s leaving soon anyway! In the meantime, he’s too competitive to not play. He’ll soon go on another dominant run to prove everyone wrong, and before you know it Green Bay will have its fifth championship. Think of this as a short-term investment. It’s that simple, ladies and gentlemen. Until that happens, Green Bay might not win a game all season.
Now, forget everything I just said and fucking hammer every A-Rod and Packers team over next week when they play Detroit.
2 - The Washington Football Team will stink
Stick with me here, because I’ve thought myself into a mental pretzel, but I’ve reached a Week 1 conclusion for the WFT.
My first thought, following their performance against the Chargers was that they’re fucked. My preseason NFC East champ had a terrible showing to start the year, with underperformances across the board (shoutout Chase Young and the boys), and an injury to Fitzy that sounds fairly serious to someone with little-to-no medical knowledge. I was never totally comfortable with Washington in this one, even though the score was close, and I wasn’t super impressed with any specific part of the team.
But as I thought more about it, I realized that there might actually be hope. For starters, the Chargers are good enough to contend for the AFC title. Justin Herbert has an absolute hose, their offense is loaded, and their defense is legit. Additionally, for as bad as the WFT’s defensive line was, they battled a revamped LA offensive line, who should probably get some credit for allowing zero QB pressures. I have no doubt that they’ll bounce back and be dominant as the year progresses because they have too much talent to consistently suck. Lastly, Heinicke is basically a Walmart version of Fitzpatrick, so he might have the ability to pull some magic out of his ass. Could it be a positive thing that the WFT was able to keep it close despite clear rust and a good opponent, as a member of a division that hasn’t seen back-to-back champs since 2004?
No. Don’t overthink this one. We were quick to crown Washington as the 2021 NFC East champs after ONE division-winning season in which, oh yeah, they finished below .500. Let’s pump the brakes and thank LA for bringing us delusional fans back to reality. I love the pass rush, and as much as Heinicke and Fitzmagic can get the juices flowing, the team isn’t built to win this year. I don’t think they’re as fucked as I thought initially, but it'll be tough to compete as currently constructed. Ts and Ps to Fitzy, but welcome back to reality, Washington fans. Not exactly the hottest of takes, but you might suck again.
2 – Jameis is going to light it up
It honestly blows my mind that we don’t talk about Jameis’ inability to SEE HIS RECEIVERS over the past few years more frequently. I hate the cliche “he can make all of the throws” (the bear minimum for a literal professional thrower), but goddammit Jameis can make all of the throws and then some. He’s got serious arm talent, a good team behind him, and now traffic lights aren’t blurry when he drives at night?! He and the Saints looked really fucking good Week 1 and I’m sold.
The major knock on Jameis has always been that he’s a gunslinger. Triple coverage? Tampa Jameis didn’t give a shit. Maybe because he was trying to “do too much”, maybe because he only saw 33% of the defense, or maybe because his team sucked, and he was trying to come from behind. New-and-improved Nola Jameis proved in Week 1 that in the right situation he can be patient and make good decisions, in addition to the arm talent that we all know he has.
One statistic that’s frequently overlooked is how bad Jameis’ defense was in Tampa, when he had to do too much:
Year Defensive PTS Rank Defensive YDS Rank
‘19 29th 15th
‘18 31st 27th
‘17 22nd 32nd
pro-football-reference.com
This year he’s inheriting a defense who gave up the 5th fewest points, and the 4th fewest yards in 2020...a huge change from what he’s had to deal with in the past. Expect big things from the Saints and no longer legally blind Jameis. They’ll compete with the Bucs for the AFC South...and might even win it.
4 - The Browns loss was (mostly) a good thing
As soon as Baker committed to all of those Progressive commercials, he put heavy pressure on himself to step up. You simply cannot consistently suck and then expect fans to not raise hell if they have to see your face at every change of possession. Luckily for Baker, he has stepped up. It has a lot to do with Stefanski, but regardless of the reason, the Browns should be excited for this year, because the loss to the Chiefs highlighted more positives than negatives.
Baker and Co. went into Arrowhead and would have left with a win if it weren’t for two fluke plays (dropped snap by the punter and Baker’s arm-bump interception at the end). Stefanski drew up plays that got guys open and kept Baker comfortable, Baker made big-time throws when he needed to, the run game looked solid, and the defense played well enough against a great offense. I expect the Browns to use this loss as motivation, and to donkey-kick the hell out of the Texans and Bears in their next two games (both at home, by the way). I wouldn’t be surprised if this team sees KC again in the AFC Championship - next time with Odell on the field to help out his buddy, Juice.
Week 2 coming up – I hope you’re ready.
Will
